Maybe other people have experienced the same. When I started meditating and got my first insights into the nature of mind and how we create our reality via thought I was thrilled. I thought „now everything is going to change and will be better“. Well yes and no. It got better but it wasn’t that I didn’t experience times when I totally lost it and was so in my head that I felt nothing has changed. I still got frustrated, angry, disappointed. Somehow I had thought that when I understand how it works, those feelings would be past.
But I am human. And nowadays I believe we are not meant to be permanantly aware that we are thinking and feeling. Imagine you are at the movies and instead of feeling with the characters you just watch it without getting involved. That wouldn’t be much fun – would it? We go to the movie to engage with the story presented on the screen. We want to feel happy, angry, frustrated, nervous whatsoever the character happens to experience. And it’s the same in life. Imagine watching yourself kissing your partner or having a bubble bath instead of just feeling it. That would be awkward. You can try it yourself if you don’t believe it. It happened to me accidentally and it really felt weird. I don’t want that for sure! When I kissmy partner I just want to be kissing my partner and not watching myself doing it.
That means that I don’t have to beat myself up when I realize that I haven’t been aware. That I lost it and got really angry, frustrated, whatsoever. I will wake up to it at some moment. And than I will have a choice how to proceed further.
Maybe following helps further: Do you think you will never ever let something drop just because you understand how gravity works? Don’t think so either. So just because I understand something doesn’t mean that I can control it. But understanding makes my life a whole lot easier.